#SeniorStrong

(Video created by Nate Maull Media)

A long time ago, I thought my daughter missing pajama day in kindergarten was upsetting. That when my twins were born and she couldn’t come to meet them at the hospital because of swine flu, it was sad. It was depressing during her 5th grade year, when her class didn’t take its usual celebrated field trip to Sturbridge Village, and again in eighth grade, when her class was the first class to not go to Washington, D.C. for its rite of passage, three-day adventure.

But now? We are in a surreal moment. Never, in a million years, would I have dreamed that we would be where we are now, in a pandemic, with the brakes slammed on her senior year.

Missing pajama day seems easy right now, and I wish I could rewind to that simpler time.

This week, our governor said that students will not return to school campuses this academic year, effectively shutting the doors to our seniors ever walking the halls again. These teens were oblivious that March 12 would be their last day to walk out the school door and get in their cars to drive away to a new world which started, ironically, on Friday the 13th, and the nightmare has still not ended.

Eight weeks later, the Class of 2020 exists in a world where they bunker down in their bedrooms, talking to friends via laptop and phone screens, and attempt to squeak out the remainder of their school year from a distance.

These kids didn’t finish winter sports or start spring seasons. They didn’t perform in their spring musical, senior recital and spring concert. They could not compete in final robotics competitions; did not finish rounds in the CNA program. They are missing clubs and banquets and dinners and activities. They are adjusting capstone projects and presentations. They are prepping for new versions of AP exams taken online, changing the course of their studies since September.

The students can’t walk through the elementary school halls in their caps and gowns, inspiring the little ones who will follow in their footsteps. Prom, senior picnic, senior dinner, senior scholarship night? All postponed… or so we believe.

And as I type this, graduation is still up in the air. Ideas are being proposed for modified ceremonies, although in my mind, everything falls short – especially anything with the word “virtual” in it. Parents are mourning on social media, and rightly so. This is their moment, as much as their teen’s time to shine.

But the Class of 2020? They are amazingly strong.

My daughter, when asked, said this whole thing is beyond her control. That she sees the big picture of her duty to be home, of how it may save a life. And if you can’t change the situation, you just accept it. There is detectable sadness, of course, but it is, as they say, what it is.

The end is not here yet, but it will be, soon. Technology keeps them close to those they are already close to, but they miss the face-to-face, daily interaction with those with all of whom they have shared the past 13 years of their lives, whether good friends, old friends, acquaintances. They miss their favorite teachers – their mentors and inspiration — and typing back and forth via a keyboard just isn’t the same.

My daughter, a musician, is not getting to make the music she loves to make with her peers. She didn’t finish her last year in the musical’s pit, or show everyone her talents in that senior recital. She missed celebrating her arts achievements at a state banquet. And like many others, she’s missed the rite of passage of attending her college’s Accepted Students Day.

It’s like everyone is on pause.

What is troubling is when people try to downplay their losses. Yes, the Vietnam era was bad. Yes, they will survive. Yes, it could be worse. Yes, yes, yes… We get it. Everyone, in life, has to make sacrifices at some point, and some of them are much more difficult than this.

But it’s also OK to be disappointed right now.

As a parent, I am looking for ways to honor my senior’s success: A lawn sign, a tree decorated with photos, a “Congrats” cap sign on my front door, posts on my social media. She, and her classmates, will not be forgotten in the noise of the current COVID-19 crisis and the chatter that grows day by day. I hope that her high school class gets all the accolades that they deserve and have been building toward since day 1 of kindergarten, even if it comes a little later than June in order to allow for a proper celebration.

I do take comfort in the fact this is a collective experience among their generation; that this will define them, make them unique and make them stronger. I am happy that so many are publicly celebrating them and being kind, from Adopt-A-Senior drives and celebrity celebrations to seeing moments with schools across the country going out of their way to connect with their students. Songs composed, poems written, videos created. They need that. And they deserve that.

If you know a 2020 senior, take the time to celebrate him or her in some way, big or small. Let these teens know that you remember how special this time was in your life, and how it was, in fact, the beginning — not the end — and how so much more will come after this moment. Show compassion and share wisdom.

And tell them how the people they are inside, not the milestone, is what we truly need to celebrate.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote: “What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.”

The Class of 2020 definitely has the power within them to reach the other side of this, and make the world a better place through their lessons of sacrifice, patience and compassion.

The Times, They Are A-Changing…

For the past two days, I have passionately defended my local high school. It always amazes me how people are quick to judge. Jump to conclusions. Clutch their pearls and scream that the sky is falling! Blame political parties, lack of cursive instruction, and cower in fear and say that the world is going to hell in a hand basket.

My local high school – the one from which I graduated, and from which my daughter will graduate this year – decided that starting with the 2020-2021 school year, the passing grade requirement will be changed from 70 to 65.

These mere five points resulted in a firestorm on our town Facebook group page, with more than 400 comments, the majority of them carrying on about the “dumbing down of America” and “lowering the bar” and how teens don’t need to try anymore to pass and will skate by in life expecting something for nothing.

To say I was outraged was an understatement, but I had seen it coming from a mile away. I know my town, and I know the knee-jerk reactions of its residents on social media.

My community – to which I give so much of my time, time I don’t even have – is a big part of who I am as a person. Yet, in these moments, I am weary. The negativity and rage is disgusting. Why do I care at all? Why did I ever bother to defend this?

For this case, I care because I understand why the change was made. Our high school was not in alignment with any schools around us, or in our demographic category. Most schools have 60, or 65, as a passing grade, including all the prestigious private schools around us as well as the top-rated public schools in our state.

A 65 is a D. Not an F. Even colleges consider a D as passing a class – I know because I am a college professor. In fact, when colleges look at high school transcripts they have to adjust students’ scores from schools like ours to a four-point scale, which includes a D. Re-aligning the grades to match other communities actually helps colleges because GPAs can be listed on four-point scale, and students who are applying can actually be prepared to understand where they stand academically. It eliminates the smokescreen.

It makes sense.

It does not mean that school is easier. That teachers are getting softer. That everyone will pass (most failing students are far below the 60-range). It does not mean that teens won’t aim high. Nor should any of us change our support and expectations of these kids in our homes, communities and schools.

The change affects a very small handful of students. And each of those students has an individual story of how this change will and can alter their lives, or how they ended up with a grade that is in that five-point change.

Have you ever gotten a D? Maybe you have. Maybe you did not. Full disclosure: I did, in college. It was not in a class that mattered to my major, but it was a requirement to graduate. That semester, I missed an entire month of school – I had mononucleosis, and it wiped me out so bad I could barely get out of bed. When I finally recovered, I tried to catch up, and I did the best I could, but I still got a D. And that D did not stop me from striving to be the best. I have a strong work ethic. By no means did I “skate by” with a D. Or did it stop me from graduating.

Because it was not an F. It was a straight-up D. Numerically, a 65.

There are countless stories of students who were in similar situations. Illness and injuries, trauma and life issues beyond one’s control that may affect a student. There are students with needs or roadblocks to learning that may work harder than an “A” student to just… get… by. And they do. By the skin of their teeth. Not everyone is a great test taker; not everyone has great time management skills; not everyone’s brain works the same; and life, is well, different that it used to be.

High school today is not the high school of 1950. Or 1970. Or 1980 or 1990 for that matter. Students are required to rack up more credits and complete a spreadsheet of required classes before they can put on that cap and gown. Students must take a mandatory number of language arts, math and science classes, as well as other classes: Civics, to learn about how our government works. Personal Finance, which is, for those who keep lamenting that kids don’t learn “adulting” skills, teaches how to balance a checkbook and about credit cards, taxes, loans, mortgages and insurance. There are physical education and health classes. They must also complete 20 hours of community service, although most students complete four times that within their high school years. They must complete a mandatory senior capstone project (see the end of this post for a list of what the Class of 2019 did in my community).

These requirements leave very, if any, wiggle room for error. High school today is demanding. My daughter, who is a member of the Class of 2020, is far more educated and well-spoken than I ever was when I graduated in 1987.

A 65 as a passing grade is more than fair. And just because it exists as a passing grade does not mean that is for what teens aim when they set foot in a classroom. We, as humans, do not want to do poorly in life. We don’t join a team to fail. We don’t step foot on a basketball court and say “I hope we tie this game!” We want to win. We want to succeed. And if we don’t, it’s a greater problem than a passing grade of 65 vs. 70.

A common complaint of this recent change is that it’s not preparing students for college – well, actually, it does align with college; and frankly, there is that statement of which few want to speak: Not everyone should go to college. In society, we need people to be skilled at a variety of jobs. I couldn’t live without my mechanic or my plumber or a hairdresser, for that matter. Not everyone needs a bachelor’s degree to earn a great living or live a great life.

Also, good grades are proven to not be a guarantee of success. Some of the most successful people in this world were not the “A” students – they are the students who maybe learn in a different way, outside the classroom. The students who take risks. The students who think outside the box. If you talk to many successful entrepreneurs, many of them were not “good on paper.” But they had a drive and creativity to follow their passion. Their passion may not have been Physics, where they got a 68 on their report card.

If one class — with a grade just below 70 — holds a teen back, despite all their efforts to get through it, it is a huge setback in their life, where they forever are separated from the classmates with whom they spent the last 18 years.

There are rules in life, yes. And there are consequences. But rules should align. Rules should not be so drastic and drawn by the boundary of a town. This makes sense. Situations are complicated and diverse. The world is grey, not black-and-white.

And if there’s any lesson we want our kids to learn in life, it’s not about what’s on their transcripts: It’s in their hearts. Kindness, compassion, inclusion, helping others and fairness.

This high school wants – and strives – to provide the best educational experience for the entire community. Not just for teens, but for the community at large. Anyone is welcome to step through its doors and see the good work being done, and the good people working there.

The rigor is still there: There are many levels of classes to suit all students, including challenging honors and AP classes. There are opportunities for hands-on learning, the arts, the sciences, and life skills. There are programs to allow for college credit, or to be certified in areas like the CNA program. These opportunities are also being expanded – which was also included in the article about the change in the passing grade – but it seems that got overlooked.

Our principal is adding more electives to the catalog, including music technology, horticulture, foods and baking, all at very little cost to the district. A local university has teamed up to allow for college credit to be obtained via class in language arts and computers. These are exciting opportunities for our students.

And these students deserve our support. Not nasty comments on Facebook demeaning them as lazy teens with no work ethic who will “skate by” looking for a trophy without doing any work and who will never succeed in life and can’t sign their name or tell time.

Now, all this said: There are many awesome people in my town who truly are the biggest cheerleaders for our young people. Our high school administrators, and teachers who work under them. The Board of Education’s dedicated volunteers, who tirelessly work on their own time to create and support the best educational system within their means. Parents, who attend meetings and volunteer for not only their own children, but ALL children. Alumni, like this fantastic network of stories to inspire students of those who came before them. And those residents who don’t pass judgement, but take time to read and education themselves into the heart of the matter. It takes a village. So be a part of that village.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Read on just a few paragraphs more below this picture to see just one reason why our young people deserve to be supported, celebrated and cheered on.

 

National Honor Society students at their annual high school Halloween hallways trick-or-treating event, where the community is invited to visit special theme-decorated rooms for games, activities and treats. Hundreds turn out for this free, annual event, which accepts donations for the town food bank.

All seniors in our local high school are required to complete a capstone project to graduate. These projects are impressive undertakings that students spend hours and hours to accomplish and give a presentation of their project each spring. These projects are impressive and cover a wide-ranging span of interests and passions, and often have a focus on benefiting our community at large. Here is a sampling of what the Class of 2019 did during their senior year. As you read through this list, I ask you: What were you doing at the age of 17?

FUNDRAISING AND VOLUNTEERING: Fundraising for Connecticut Children’s Medical Center; “Lace Up for Pediatric Cancer” fundraiser; Organizing a 5K to Benefit Mission 22; “Hoops Against Cancer” fundraiser; Autism Research and Awareness fundraiser; Local food bank fundraiser; Puppy blankets fundraiser; Local animal rescue fundraiser; Community giving tree fundraiser; Toy drive for Yale/New Haven Hospital; Senior Center Clothing Drive; Shriner’s Children’s Hospital benefit; Organizing a benefit basketball game; Teaching water safety to students with special needs; Tutoring program for elementary students; Volunteering at a Youth Summer Enrichment Camp; Sewing teddy bears for hospitalized children; Planning an anti-vaping awareness event.

IMPROVING THE CULTURE OF WHS: Starting a dance team, Directing the WHS School Play; Establishing a new club at WHS; Starting a WHS book club; Building sets for WHS fall play; Organizing a high school talent show; Organizing an Interact Club Paint Night benefit; Planning and assembling a reunion time capsule.

BEAUTIFYING THE ENVIRONMENT: Implementing a WHS Recycling program; Beautifying the WHS courtyard; Merriman Pond Trail Rehabilitation; State Park Clean-Up Project.

IMPROVING MENTAL HEALTH: Producing a “100 Reasons to Live” video; The Happiness Project: The Importance of Making Others Happy; Writing a Guide to Personal Mental Health and Wellness.

CREATIVE PURSUITS: Organizing a concert; Preparing a song for “Music Under the Stars” event; Writing and illustrating an original story; Organizing a Writer’s Workshop for Children; Documentary Filmmaking; Writing an Original Novel; Writing a non-partisan political newspaper; Creating a photography portfolio; Starting a guitar club; Producing a theater department promotional video; Organizing WHS Strings Club; Developing a graphic design portfolio; Your Next Read: Writing Peer Book Recommendations; Learning a new language; Developing a video game; Graphic art portfolio.

SHARING SPORTS SKILLS AND KNOWLEDGE: Organizing a softball alumni picnic; Organizing a unified sports league; Swimming fundraiser; Teaching lacrosse in Israel; Batting cage improvements at Deland Field; Training for a weightlifting competition; Coaching a youth soccer team; Baseball skills refresher; Organizing a lacrosse youth night; Constructing a softball helmet rack; Operating an ultimate Frisbee tournament; Coordinating a youth volleyball clinic; Filming footage of WHS football games for play analysis; Organizing a youth basketball clinic; Building a batting cage; Coaching a men’s volleyball team; Producing a pole vault tutorial video; Training for a Swimming Competition.

BUSINESS-RELATED PURSUITS: Creating a commercial for a local business; Creating an online business; Creating a website for small business; Becoming a Small Business Owner; Shadowing/interviewing business owners; Developing a website for WHS SAGA club.

PRODUCING VIDEOS: Producing a YouTube cooking show; Producing a video comparison of high school and college; Producing a video documenting Watertown’s convocation; Producing a video introducing incoming freshman to WHS; Producing weekly WHS broadcasts; Producing a senior class video.

EXPLORING NEW TOPICS AND EXPANDING INTERESTS: Women in the 21st Century: Influence of Clothing; Creating a guide to CNA patient care; Building a dirt bike engine; Building a fish tank and researching freshwater fish for the tank; Becoming a licensed pilot; Constructing a piece of wooden furniture; Rebuilding a car transmission; Designing and building a model airplane; Planning and Planting a Family Garden; “New Month, New Skill” Learning a New Skill Monthly; Organizing a pet retreat; Investigating paranormal experiences.

COMPLETING AN IN-DEPTH RESEARCH PROJECTS: Becoming an Aunt; Urban Planning; Fishing in Connecticut; Football injury causes and prevention; addressing the abandoned pet problem; Business Marketing; Mechanics and Psychics; Converting a Vegan diet; High School Athlete Concussion Prevention; Substance Abuse Prevention; Fire Prevention; Preventing Heart Disease; Effects of Pancreatic Cancer; Women’s Rights; Running a Corporation; Wolf Parkinson White Syndrome; Infant Heart Conditions; Becoming a Psychologist

CAREER EXPLORATION RESEARCH AND SHADOWING: Sports Management, Construction Industry; Autobody vs. Electrician; Certified Nurse Anesthetist; Early Childhood Education; Engineer; Teacher; Chiropractic Care; Landscaping; Dentist; Certified Nursing Assistant; Personal Trainer; Law Enforcement; Nurse; Journalist; Occupational Therapist; Automotive Mechanic; Chef; Emergency Room careers.

 

#28AOK

A community gathers to grieve the lives lost at Sandy Hook Elementary School at the Watertown, Conn. gazebo in 2012.

Tonight, my town will gather to honor two lives lost too soon, in a park where a playground is dedicated to an elementary school principal who lost her life too soon, one of 26 individuals who became angels on another December day years ago.

The latter event is still fresh in our memories, and the current events stir up the helpless, powerless feelings we also shared years ago. The questions linger: “Why?” “What if?” And we try to make sense of the senseless.

There is nothing we can do to change the past.

But you do have the power to change the future.

Right now, there are fundraisers for funeral expenses and requests for meals to help those closest to the pain. But as a community, how do we heal? Just a day before the tragedy, a community Facebook page had an ongoing discussion of how it had been a hotbed of inappropriate behavior. As someone who studies — and teaches — social media, I know a great deal of it has to do with the ability to ignore the fact that there is a face, a heart and a soul beyond your keyboard — a person, or people, who read what you say and it buries itself deep down. We start to collectively agree that society has turned into the Hunger Games. Distrust grows, assumptions are made, we divide and we become no better than a meme about a raging housewife and a smug cat.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We can change the tide.

Two young people lost their lives this week. If that isn’t a wake up call, I’m not sure what can be. Now the teenagers around us in this town are greatly affected by this grief, a sharp reminder that life can be finite.

We should be setting an example for them of how to feel powerful despite a powerless act, guide them to take their grief and honor those who are lost, teach them how to make the community, and our world, a better place. Our youth can create the community they want, can help people find light in their lives.

Let’s encourage our neighbors, friends and family to create moments of kindness and encouragement. Change the tide. Create a positive from a very harsh negative. Make it grow, and spread, and outweigh the bad. Take the holiday season back from tragedy and honor those who are hurting and those who are lost. Good can conquer evil.

Between now and Dec. 31, pledge to complete 28 simple acts of kindness — 28 stands for  the two teens lost this week, and the 26 souls lost years ago. Your acts of kindness can be as simple, or grand, but no act is too small. Help someone with their groceries. Send a care package or a hand-written letter to someone who needs it most. Volunteer to help in any way. Deliver a gift card for coffee to our First Responders. Shovel a sidewalk. Read a book to a child. Send a Christmas card to a veteran. Donate a toy, or a coat, or a pair of mittens, or pet food to organizations who need it.

Be creative. Bond together. We are not helpless.

And then make the good news outweigh the bad in search engines by sharing it on social media — Twitter, Instagram, Facebook — with the hashtag #28AOK.

Because we can be OK, if the thousands and thousands of people in our community commit to start with 28 Acts of Kindness. Ask yourself: What can you do to help others?

A WriterGirl Looks at 50

Cake courtesy of the sweestest people, at Sweet Maria’s.

By the time you are reading this, I will be 50 years old.

50.

The big 5-0.

How did this happen?

How is not 1987? What happened to the days when I would cruise around Watertown in my Chevy Citation listening to U2 and Duran Duran and Depeche Mode and Billy Idol and The Cure? Or the days I would head to job at Panilaitis Farm, or go to the Naugatuck Valley Mall to shop and see a movie and get a slice of pizza? Or take a treasured trip downtown to buy imported vinyl and British magazines from The Professor?

Or the days of “Cheers” after dinner in Storrs, parties in “the triple,” Gumby’s pizza and games at the Gampel? Or trips to NYC with the bands, watching them take the stage at The Bitter End and Brownies and CBGBs and getting large black Dunkins to make the long drives home in the dark?

It feels better when you know you are not alone in some sort of crisis, like spending a half-century on the planet. So, I decided to check out what other things are also turning 50 this year: J.Lo, Jennifer Aniston, Dave Grohl, Tic Tacs, The Gap, Eric Carle’s “The Very Hungry Caterpillar,” “Sesame Street,” “The Brady Bunch,” the song “Sweet Caroline,” Paul Rudd, “Abbey Road” and “Scooby Doo,” to name a few. We are good company, my 1969 vintage friends.

I find the comfort in typing this all out, and realizing, that a number doesn’t mean much, however daunting it seems. You grow old, but you don’t feel old. Everyone around can get younger and younger, and when you start to realize young adults were born in a different century than you… and some of your high school classmates are now grandparents… well, it’s eye-opening. And while your hair gets some glittery strands and your eyes get crinkly, your soul doesn’t age. You will always feel young, inside, even if you start having “Get off my lawn!” moments on the outside.

So, I sit here looking at 50, and words start to ramble in my brain like the ol’ Talking Heads song lyrics: “You may ask yourself, ‘Well, how did I get here?’”

My first 50th birthday gift: A framed 45, “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In” by The 5th Dimension. It was the #1 song when I was born on May 18, 1969.

It was a long and winding road, full of twists and turns, and it didn’t turn out like I thought it would. But I ended up where I needed to be. I have learned many, many lessons, the first being “Older is definitely wiser.”

There are so many things I would tell my younger self. In honor of this milestone, here are 50 of them.

1. Live with no regrets. The past shaped how wonderful you are now.
2. The future is fluid: Never outgrow the need to become your best self, set goals, dream new dreams.
3. Fight the worry. Accept what you cannot change.
4. Women do have to work harder than men, overall, in life.
5. Life isn’t black and white; it’s grey. Don’t let people make you feel bad about not taking sides.
6. Do your homework before you open your mouth.
7. Your soundtrack will change depending the day, month or year. All music is good music. Even country, haters!
8. When in doubt, turn on the radio.
9. When you walk through a crowded gate, go left.
10. One can be lonely yet not alone. One can be alone yet not lonely.
11. Life is about relationships, plural – not a relationship.
12. True friendships run deeper than any time you haven’t spoken.
13. Listening is as important as talking. Communication is something that everyone needs to work on, all the time.
14. People will ditch you. That truly is their loss.
15. Never allow someone to break your heart. If they do, they weren’t worth your time.
16. Parenting is the hardest task on earth, with parenting teens the most difficult. (In another decade, I’m sure I’ll say parenting “twin” teens in the most difficult.)
17. If you feel lazy, watch “Hoarders.” Your house will be clean wicked fast.
18. Choose your words wisely.
19. “50” is the new “40!” (Am I right??)
20. Every brain works differently, and society needs to embrace that.
21. Children, and the elderly, are the greatest teachers.
22. Education – any education, from tech certificates to college degrees – is something no one can take away from you.
23. However, you don’t need an education to be successful. Some of THE smartest people I know don’t have a college degree. College is NOT – I repeat, NOT – for everyone.
24. Everyone has a unique talent. Find yours.
25. Money is a necessary evil but overrated. It’s truly cliché, but count your blessings.
26. Someone is always worse off than you. Be grateful.
27. A compliment, however small, can make someone’s day.
28. Pay it forward, give to others, do the right thing. Always.
29. Own your story. All of it.
30. If someone is mean, or unkind, feel sorry for them. They are struggling.
31. Cursive writing still matters.
32. Animals can teach us things if we pay attention.
33. You can drink coffee without sugar. It’s possible.
34. Buy the good lipstick.
35. Don’t be afraid to do something out of the box. Hence, my Warrior Dash escapade… (Shout out to Rich!)
36. Find your people. In my case, many different groups: Music people. Newspaper people. Mom people. Running people. Autism parent people.
37. Farmers should be valued as much as doctors.
38. Tequila and Fireball must be consumed in limited quantities. (And sometimes, out of a special handbag, right Traci?)
39. Look for simple escapism every single day. Like reality TV. (This one is for my Bravo Babes, who know a little “Real Housewives” and “Southern Charm” is a worthwhile guilty pleasure.)
40. There is never enough time to read.
41. Life without the arts isn’t worth living – live music and theater and art and all of it.
42. Look for the backstory. Never except what’s on the surface.
43. It’s not about the stuff.
44. Sometimes the worst days become the best memories.
45. Teach your children the important things: Classic rock, movies from John Hughes and Cameron Crowe, The Beatles, newspapers, “Gilmore Girls,” vinyl records, “Tom & Jerry,” “CBS Sunday Morning” and the Little House books.
46. Have ice cream for dinner at least once a year.
47. Take the pictures, and put them in albums.
48. It’s OK to cry.
49. When you lose someone, you keep them alive by mirroring their best qualities.
50. When you turn 50, you are only one day older than 49. Life should be measured in days, not years. Embrace the moment you are in.

I’m sure there’s more, but that’s all my old memory can dream up right now. I’m 50, y’know?

And that would be 50-years-young, and only halfway through this adventure.

Thanks for sharing life, and this birthday, with me.

 

The “Stone” Age

I’m sitting here on Mother’s Day, and I know I’m doing a pretty good job. I don’t need a shower of attention to know that, I just do, even though there are days where I question my own choices or behavior. I think that’s pretty normal.  We all have a personal mirror into our souls.

However, I also know that no matter how hard I try at this game called parenting, it’s likely there will be times when my children will mess up. They will make a bad choice. And they will get in trouble for it, or suffer the consequences.

And I’m scared for them.

Why?

Because in today’s world, you can’t mess up. You are not allowed. The consequences run far deeper than a simple punishment of yesteryear.

Today, when kids (and mostly teens) mess up, they are taken to the town square – a.k.a. social media – and they are stoned.

And their families are dragged along with them.

When a teen messes up, and it’s shared in some way, it creates an open invitation to comment about how bad kids, parents and society is today. The righteous opinions of others, judging all who step in their path, will snowball into hundreds of “likes” and comments that blame everything from cell phones and lack of spanking to Trump and trophies.

And oddly, often, the portion of what is made public is just one small snippet of the details. There are often reasons for why things happen the way they do, but we don’t want the messy details – we don’t like the grey. We want the simplicity of black-and-white. We don’t want to think; we want to throw down the gavel.

Just today I read a comment on a social media share that talked about a child throwing a tantrum in a restaurant and how the parents “let him get away with it” and it ruined this diner’s dinner. It made me sad, as I know that as a special needs parent, sometimes what is considered a tantrum is not actually a tantrum — it’s a meltdown caused by a brain that works differently. And parents are judged constantly for this in public, because we want a simple solution.

And in the past week, I’m reading many comments from strangers eager to share their two cents on another issue, condemning an entire community for the actions of one or two, when in fact, the majority of the community is responding with a concern that has been left out of the dialogue.

Being righteous makes us feel better, smarter and confident that we have a handle on things. But again, it’s not that simple. Life is not a series of carefully curated moments that boost our narcissistic egos to make us feel better about ourselves. We will also face crisis and difficult moments. However, it’s easier to pretend we are perfect and cast stones.

Let’s face it: Growing up has always been difficult. Brains aren’t developed; peer pressure is strong; our environment makes our experiences limited or uncontrollable; technology changes faster than we can adapt. This is not an excuse; it’s a fact.

There are still ways to constantly instill morals and values and all of those good things that we, as parents, try to do. Even when things aren’t perfect. This is how lessons are learned in life.

But kids will still mess up. And no kid wants to be “bad.” Stuff happens in the blink of eye, and that blink happens faster in the age of social media. Often the people in the judge’s seats today are the ones who didn’t grow up under the scrutiny of social media, yet they are first to flock here, throwing the punches and shaming anyone who counters their indignant insanity.

Sadly, for the currently generation, this public shaming will follow them for the rest of their lives, and can affect their future. If this were you child, would you want one mistake or misstep or one side of a story to forever scar their lives? I don’t think so. Think about your own youth. Your own mistakes. Your own moments of which you are not so proud.

We are quick to say “I’m so glad I didn’t grow up with social media!” yet we are condemning those who are.

So, on this Mother’s Day, I ask you: Remember that our teenagers are inherently good. The teens I know in my own town seem to be doing the right thing. They are working hard, helping those in need, and looking out for those who struggle. Are there some who are faltering here and there? Yes, of course. But that doesn’t mean that we get out the torches. Instead, we try to move on, learn and grow.

I will tell you what I tell my own children: When people are messing up, there’s likely a reason why, and they often need kindness the most. We need to be reminded of what is told our youngest children: Remember that words hurt – you can’t take them back. And hiding behind a keyboard doesn’t lessen the sting.

Our kids need support, love, guidance and understanding. That’s what being a good parent is all about.

Today’s soundtrack:

• “I Wont Back Down,” Tom Petty
• “You Will Be Found,” Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack
• “Peace, Love & Understanding,” Elvis Costello

#FarmAid2018

“My grandfather used to say that once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman and a preacher, but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer.”
–Brenda Schoepp–

 

Sometimes being a mom and a music fan do not go hand-in-hand, but on Saturday, I had the luck of circumstance: Free time led me spontaneously to Farm Aid 2018.

Attending this event was incredibly important to me, because I have a kinship with the American Farm. Growing food was not foreign to my family: My grandfather grew up on a Pennsylvania farm and brought his skills to Connecticut, planting an enormous plot of land. And starting at age 14, and continuing through the next decade, I worked on a farm. My very first job was at a local family farm in my hometown, selling produce at a farm stand, helping to make apple cider, picking vegetables, weeding and watering flowers. I could tell you the difference between a dozen apple varieties; I knew what a pig would eat. That job was hard work, whether it was in the middle of the summer under the sun, or freezing at the farm stand in the winter, sticky from the cider pouring from a hose into plastic jugs. I grew up on those acres of land, and it still holds a place near and dear to my heart. (Oddly, two days before Farm Aid, I ran into that farmer getting a cup of coffee. I hadn’t seen him in decades. The universe works in strange ways.)

As a mom, I want to transfer those lessons from my old farm and my grandfather to my children, whether through backyard gardening or visiting farms. It’s important for them to know that food doesn’t magically appear in a grocery store or on your plate. And that the people who help the process are crucial to our lives.

That’s what Farm Aid is all about — celebrating farmers, especially the small, family farms scattered around the country. In Connecticut, we have quite a few of those. And we have urban farmers who are turning tiny plots of land into produce-producing sites. We have agri-tourism farms were you can pick a pumpkin or a pear. We have dairy farms, vegetable farms, and countless others scattered around our tiny state.

Farm Aid is a concert, but also focuses on being festival of all-things-agriculture. Farmers are superheroes, celebrated not only in song and on stage, but around the event. The village outside of the concert had a host of activities: Skill building classes, panel discussions, a showcase of organizations and associations, and much more.

Xfinity Theatre in Hartford, on a normal day, is not known for its concert food. But on this day, the array of choices was outstanding, reflecting the festival’s emphasis on fresh, locally-sourced food from around the region, with an emphasis on family farms.

• 

It was hard to decide what to pick, but I settled on fish tacos: Local fish in organic corn tortillas with citrus slaw, fresh salsa, avocado crema and Cotija cheese. So good, and so fresh! And so unusual for concert food.

Dessert was pumpkin ice cream sandwiched between two chocolate chip cookies, from Massachusetts’ Maple Valley Creamery — perfect for the first day of fall.

After devouring the fresh food, the festival’s Green Team was available around the park to help dispose of the paper trays, utensils and napkins, which were actually fit for compost, as well as to provide guidance on what was recyclable and what was trash.

Willie Nelson staged the first Farm Aid benefit concert in 1985, on the very same day as the Hartford show — Sept. 22 — with John Mellencamp and Neil Young, all of whom performed Saturday. The 85-year-old Nelson told Billboard this weekend that the plight of family farmers is “just as bad today as it was 33 years ago — if not worse.” Besides promoting the great produce products of the farming community, Farm Aid also educated on the plight of the small farmer. Numerous statistic on farm stress were relayed through the day.

One of the more alarming ones was that suicide rates among farmers are 5 times higher than other industries — higher than any other job group. Farmer stress is a huge component of the industry. Farmers do not have access to mental health resources for their industry and are likely so busy that they don’t get a moment to rest and breathe when you have to keep the farm up and running.

Of course, I’m first and foremost a music fan and the tunes didn’t disappoint. It was hard to see every performer and still take advantage of the uniqueness of the event. Each act was at their best, making new fans among the audience throughout the day, leading up to the superstar performances in the night. One of my must-see sets was Chris Stapleton, since I had never seen him live, but I walked away as a fan of Jamey Johnson and Sturgill Simpson, who gave great performances as well. And Willie Nelson’s son Lukas was probably the most impressive performer throughout the event, taking the stage numerous times with different bands and really showcasing his talent. He is a superstar performer; check him out.

(See a video of Farm Aid 2018 on YouTube here — set aside eight-plus hours to view.)

Farm Aid was a memory that I will never forget; there was so much to take away and learn throughout the day. I hope everyone who attended left with the lessons that I did; if so, the world could change for the better.

And if you are reading this, please support our family farms. Go pick an apple, buy a tomato from a roadside stand, enjoy ice cream from a dairy farm. If we all made small efforts to support these farms, and teach our children that our food comes from the earth, we will be better off. And get your hands dirty — plant a garden.

For more information on Farm Aid, as well as to read many compelling stories about farmers and the plight they face, please go visit FarmAid.org. 

 

My friend Lisa & I, having fun in the HomeGrown Village at Farm Aid 2018 in Hartford

Back In My Day

A brick from my former elementary school, which was demolished, is now in my garden.

As I type this, it’s just past noon on a Tuesday. I have crammed more into this morning than a college student pulling an overnighter on exam week.

Why? Because the school bus is about to make its way up the hill, midday in September.

It’s hot here, where I live, as the region battles a late summer humid heatwave during the start of the school year. As a result, today is an early dismissal, the second day out of the three days school has been in session. As a mostly work-from-home mom who survived the summer, school is a welcome respite to accomplish the many items on my To Do lists for the two jobs I work, cobbling an income together as a single mom trying to keep a household with three kids running and a mortgage paid.

So the kid-free schedule has not much eased up due to the heat.

But I’m not complaining.

The announcements of school closings across the state due to heat have resulted in a “Back In My Day” rash of social media tantrums. We are reminded, once again, how the older generations walked uphill both ways with a pail of water through snowstorms, tornadoes, pouring rain, floods and fire, like mini-Marines in boot camp.

Apparently, that horrific experience of their youth has led to the belief that all generations must continue to suffer, dammit. It builds character. It makes you tough. Our youth must muster on through a Warrior Dash school day of pain and suffering!

 

 

My childhood elementary school (Image from a postcard, Watertown Historical Society)

So, I’ll share this about “Back In My Day.”

Back in my day, which would be an elementary school childhood in the 1970s, I don’t truly recall an early dismissal due to heat – but I do recall the heat.

I also recall how my former elementary school, which was reduced to a pile of rubble to make way for a CVS pharmacy, was structured much different than modern schools, as different as the entire school day is today. Back in my day, the brick building was built quite differently than my children’s schools, with windows that were as tall as I am now, giant windows which opened wide, and spanned two sides of the classroom. The ceilings were high, so high that lights were lowered down from the ceiling on a pole.

On a hot day, the windows were opened, the lights were turned off, and often, the teacher instructed us to just put out heads down on the desks. In other words, just rest. We didn’t do anything; I’m sure some kids fell asleep. Learning was not on the docket on a hot day, because, well, kids are kids. Not little adults. And it’s hard to focus when you are sweating and dehydrated.

And that was in an era when the school year was shorter, curriculum was much less demanding, more recess was in the daily schedule and children were not expected to understand complex critical thinking concepts.

Fast-forward to 2018: Schools do not have the large windows on two walls any longer; some windows cannot be opened at all due to safety concerns of our modern age. Ceilings are lower. Here in New England, buildings need to survive school years in winters, more than summers. Computers, smart boards and electronics all give off warmth. Air conditioning is limited, due to expense and maintenance, and not a priority in budget-strapped districts. For the few days of a heatwave that a school must endure, it’s not a sound financial decision. An early dismissal allows for some learning, for a day on the calendar, and suffices in a pinch.

But alas, the social media toddlers say: Suffering builds character! How will these snowflakes survive work!! Will they ever be able to do menial labor – could they deliver mail? Drive a UPS truck? It’s hot, dammit – that’s LIFE! Get used to it! GROW UP!

It’s hard to get an older generation – including MY generation — to think outside the box.

(Interestingly, this is a characteristic our youth are taught in those hot schools, right now, from kindergarten to grade 12: Critical thinking, thinking of others, solving problems, etc.)

Sometimes I think adults need a reminder that the very ones we expect to suffer now can be 5, 7, 9 years old. They are not adults in small packages. Perhaps by the time they are 18, 19, 20 years old, they will be able to tolerate delivering mail or driving a UPS truck in extreme heat and know enough to drink cold water consistently throughout their work day. And I’m sure many of these kids might grow up to work in air-conditioned offices, like many adults do today.

I do hope that they don’t become a culture of “Back In My Day” complainers. Things change, sometimes for the better. Pregnant women know not to smoke or drink now. We wear seat belts in cars and helmets on bikes. That’s not snowflake behavior; it’s just smart. We learned as a society, and we adapt. That’s how we moved from being cavemen to walking on the moon.

Oddly, I made the mistake of engaging one of this “Back in my day” tantrums on social media, once the news was announced that school was being dismissed early today. And where did the conversation go, almost immediately?

To politics. I was accused of being a left-leaning liberal who voted for a particular individual in my state.

Ha! I actually LOL’d at my laptop screen reading that comment, which sadly is a commentary on where we are as a society.

If things change, or are different, generations often have a had time adjusting. We want things back to where they are, we want them “great again.” Frankly, there are things that are greater or smarter today, that were not-so-smart or not-so-great yesterday.

And there are things that still need a little improvement.

But when it comes to school districts looking after my children, I put my faith that they make the right call. You have to trust them; they take care of our kids for countless hours every week. They are teaching my children concepts in the early grades that I would not see until I was a much older student. And they have protected them in scary situations for which I am eternally grateful. Thank them for doing a good job; trust them for making the right decision, whether for your children or your community.

And if you choose not to?

You can get off my lawn.

 

TODAY’S SOUNDTRACK:

“Old Man,” Neil Young

“Changes,” David Bowie

“Things Can Only Get Better,” Howard Jones

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www.kelliewrites.com

Change.

This morning, I stood in the driveway and watched as the school bus drove away, with one of my twins waving and smiling in the window.

On any normal day, this moment is just… normal.

But in the days following a school shooting, any parent knows that the routine of saying goodbye to your children is anything but normal. My teenager says a distinct “I love you” when she walks out the door in the early morning hours. My twins are less aware of those last morning moments, but when that school bus pulls away, I can’t take my eyes off it.

Just a few years ago, 20 minutes from my house, 20 children – children not much younger than my twins – were killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School. This week, students who are the same age as my oldest were slaughtered at a Florida high school.

Nothing much has changed.

I log on to my Facebook account this week, and it is a minefield of opinion and simplistic solutions to a very complex problem that keeps growing like a snowball down a hill. Guns, mental illness, prescription drugs, parenting, family structure, social media, the mass media and video games are all tossed into this perfect wheel of solution, as if it’s some Price is Right game and the showcase prize is a Utopian “Leave It To Beaver” Mayberry world.

But it’s not that simple.

I know that people are grasping, but reading these tweets and posts is just draining and not contributing to the change that must come. Because mass killings are going to happen again, and again and again. It’s not stopping and it’s not going away, because our nation at large is acting like one giant group of stubborn toddlers.

It’s a cycle: Killing. Sadness. Outrage. And then no change and we forget, until the next time.

I’m tired of “next time.” And I want change, even if it is uncomfortable.

School shooters, and mass murderers, are not born as killers. Each one starts off as a someone’s baby. Think about that. A little infant, entering the world, with a life ahead of them. A life that can be wonderful. Or a life that can be hard. And a life that must be navigated, with temptations, excesses and challenges.

I look at my children, and constantly ask: Am I failing them? Am I doing everything I can? Am I giving them all that they need? Am I talking to them enough? Am I raising them right, teaching them about the world and others, kindness and compassion and how to survive? And when I send them off into the world each day, are others there for them? Are they being heard and listened to in times when they need it?

I try, and I know that others do. But I also see many, many glimpses, early on in children’s lives, of how we begin, as an overall society, to fail. We fail through selfishness and stubbornness. We fail by empathy; we shun and we isolate. We point fingers and blame. We don’t look inward. We don’t vote, we don’t research, we don’t read, we don’t talk, we don’t listen, we don’t try. We look the other way.

We need change. Change doesn’t mean destroying our freedoms or the values of what our country represents. But it does mean that you need to step out of your comfort zone and actually do something. You need to admit that you actually might be wrong, and you need to step out of the side you are on in the great American divide.

There are issues with all of the things I mentioned above, but it is not one single thing. It’s not only about guns, it’s not only about mental health, it’s not only about prescription drugs, it’s not only about social media, etc. etc. etc.

But it also is, in fact, about ALL of that.

So what do we do, America? Do we continue to argue and insult each other? Or do we step over the dividing line?

Do you want children to die? Do you want them hiding in the corner of a classroom praying that a murderer doesn’t shoot them? Or at a concert, in a movie theater, at a mall? Or do you want children with promise to go out into world and be our future, curing cancer, creating beauty and art, inventing and building and making the world a better place?

Today, I am begging of my country, and my friends: Stop looking for simple solutions. Start thinking of the big picture. Prayers, thoughts, love and condolences are easy and lazy. The solution to this problem is not easy and requires action.

Right now, you are making it worse, and the next mass killing is certainly coming if you, personally, don’t change. It starts with you. Shut up, open your eyes and don’t turn your head when something is uncomfortable to change.

It’s time. Praying for the dead doesn’t save the living.

Field of Dreams

The Guy Buzzannco Memorial Scholarship Baseball Cap! Available on Sat., Oct. 14 at Deland Field in Watertown, Conn.

This Saturday, we will try to create a Field of Dreams to help local students and honor the memory of a dear friend. The Guy Buzzannco Memorial Scholarship Vintage Baseball Game, a family-friendly event, will be at 11 a.m. Oct. 14, 2017, at Deland Field in Watertown.

This game is more than just a contest: It’s a way for the scholarship committee to honor a man who brought out the best in so many people. If you knew Guy Buzzannco, you likely cannot find an ill word to say of this man. He impressed so many who crossed his path, a path whom he forged with a mixture of faith and philanthropy, kindness and humor, good sense and a dash of sensibility. When he passed away in 2014, our community shared a collective grief, as he touched so many circles: school, sports, and service groups.

The Guy Buzzannco Memorial Scholarship was established to honor Guy and his contributions to our communities. Each spring, our scholarship committee pours over applications from Watertown High School students, trying to find the person who best embodies the qualities that Guy had. In a special essay, scholarship applicants must address how they interpret Guy’s favorite quote, by Martin Luther King, Jr.: Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’ Because we hope to continue this scholarship for many years to come, funds must be raised to sustain it.

The Guy Buzzannco Memorial Scholarship Vintage Baseball Game will do just that, with a combination of family fun, sports, community and good deeds. Our local first responders in town have put together an all-star team, known as the Water-Oak Chiefs, to battle on the ballfield with the vintage team Wethersfield Onions. The Chiefs will be led by Watertown Fire Chief, Larry Black, as team manager, and Watertown Police Chief John Gavallas, as coach.

The Red Onion Base Ball Club plays the game by the rules of 1864, and back in that era, baseball was, indeed, spelled “base ball.” Under the retro rules, batters are called “strikers,” fielders don’t wear gloves and a ball caught on a bounce is an out. The pitcher throws the ball underhanded and from 45 feet away.

Majorie Adams, the great-granddaughter of Doc Adams, will be at the event to greet fans. Doc Adams is credited by historians to as “first among the Fathers of baseball.” In addition to playing the sport for decades, he created the shortstop position, was an umpire, led the rules and regulations committee of the National Association of Base Ball Players, manufactured baseballs and oversaw bat production.

Music will be provided for the event emcee, John Elliott, whom locals will know as the creative and kind mastermind behind the town’s annual Lip Sync Battle each spring. Frankie’s will offer an array of food and drinks during the event. Be the Match, a bone-marrow matching site, will also be on site, providing an outreach service that Guy would appreciate. Special event baseball caps, featuring a vintage mustache design on front (see photo above), will be on sale during the game.

Tickets are $10, with a family max set at $30, available in advance or at the gate. All proceeds will benefit the Guy Buzzannco Memorial Scholarship.

Gates open at 10:30 a.m. Deland Field is located at 85 Echo Lake Road, Watertown. Parking is available in the Siemon Company parking lot across the street.

For more information, find the “Buzzannco Scholarship Vintage Baseball Game” event page on Facebook.

Please come join us on Saturday! I truly believe Guy would have loved this event, and our committee has tried to make it reflect his spirit. Your participation is for a very worthy cause of helping future students pursue their dreams as well as honor contributions to our community as well.